Another Artist Delivers Some Insight into the World

I've frequently lamented about the success of Coldplay on this site and in case I haven't been absolutely clear, I seriously hate this band. Their songs are forumlaic, trite, and show the intricacy and dynamism of an amoeba sitting in the waiting room of the DMV. Today Chris Martin, the brains of this operation, has added to his band's reputation that barely escapes the dirtiest of scatalogical references, that he's a complete retard:

Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin today launched an attack on his record label EMI and the company's shareholders.

It came after EMI, the world's third-largest music company, warned that profits would be lower because the band took longer than expected to finish their first studio album in three years.

But as Coldplay prepared for a concert in New York to promote their new album, called X&Y, Martin said: "I don't really care about EMI. I'm not really concerned about that.

I kind of agree with Chris here, as I'm not the biggest fan of record companies. I think they're lazy, boring, unimaginative and have played a huge roll in setting music back to an intelligence quotient equal to that of a jellyfish. Unfortunately, Coldplay is one the prime examples of this result. Anyway, Chris's next delivery is predictable:

Martin told reporters at Manhattan's Beacon Theatre that the band was uncomfortable that they sell so many albums they can affect a major corporation's stock price.

"It's very strange for us that we spent 18 months in the studio just trying to make songs that make us feel a certain way and then suddenly become part of this corporate machine," Martin said backstage.

He criticised what he called "the slavery that we are all under to shareholders". However, having sold 20 million albums worldwide to date, their album release on 7 June and subsequent two-month tour of America in August and September will play a large role in determining EMI's profits.

Ah, the typical Populist canard. Selling 20 million records while touring the world playing to tens of thousands of people every night (at $80 a head) do tend to make one feel a little distant from the average person. Chris just wants everyone to know that he, you know, is with us in our battles against "the man" (read: capitalism), not in deed, but in his heart. Last time I checked, Chris wasn't exactly redistributing Coldplay's profits among the other "slaves" in the world.

My friend needs to realize that someone like me, who works for a living, has a hard time finding any sympathy for someone's alleged "slavery" who is actually making millions. I react to these claims the same way I do when smelling my rubber climbing shoes after climbing in bare feet all day. Actually it's worse, because he is making millions and his band is utter shite.

A little advice to Chris: you should take some business classes, because shareholders aren't just guys in suits named Gordon Gecko; they're everyday people like you and me. I can't verify this, but there's probably a good chance that you even own some stock in EMI. At the very least, a large portion of your fans are shareholders in some kind of company, and I'm sure that most of them wouldn't like the allegation that they are holding people in slavery.

Also, stop writing music and go live in a hole, because you are complete crap.

Lastly, if the guilt of making so much money is keeping you up at night, please feel free to donate to Ten Fingers 6 Strings. I'm sure you wouldn't want to pile heeping amounts of cash on someone you like, because it's so horrible and would make them feel bad. So, why not give it to a big mouth critic like me who hates you so much? Imagine the guilt I'll have to live through for the rest of my life. It could kill me...slowly. Like in seventy years.