The Superbowl is Fun

For those of you in the blog world, do you remember "Fisking?" For those of you unfamiliar, here is the definition:

A point-by-point refutation of a blog entry or (especially) news story. A really stylish fisking is witty, logical, sarcastic and ruthlessly factual; flaming or handwaving is considered poor form. Named after Robert Fisk, a British journalist who was a frequent (and deserving) early target of such treatment.

I'd never really been a big fan of "Fisking." Sometimes people could be pretty good with it (Stephen Green has been a master at it), but most times I'd read someone who either wanted to nitpick, write copious amounts of hyperbole without thought or they simply wanted to write "You suck balls" after each paragraph somone wrote. I've never delivered a Fisking on this site, but just like smoking crack, there's a first time for everything. Plus, I like hyperbole...

...wait, you tellin' me you've never tried crack?

Okaaaaay...

Skip Bayless is one of those sports writers who is a lot like a Michael Moore film--it should be avoided and best left alone, but should you choose to engage your curiousity and pay attention to the fool, you are going to be left with nothing but an urge to rip your face off with your own shoe. I can't resist Fisking this guy because, even though I'm not getting calls to be Brad Pitt's stunt double, I rather like my face and if I have to either rip my face off or do something that was chic back in 2002, I'll go with an outdated blogging tactic.

On the eve of the Superbowl, Debbie Downer Skip Bayless wants to let us know why the Superbowl really sucks and how we'd better off shooting each other in the face than watching the game.

I'm writing this as I travel to my 31st consecutive Super Bowl.

This has always been my second favorite sports event -- The Masters wins by a single blade of Augusta National grass. But this year, the Super Bowl is beginning to feel like the Indy 500 without Danica.

Super Bowl XL is anything but Extra Large. For most fans who aren't Seahawks or Steelers fans, this matchup seems like it should be returned and exchanged.

If you love your Seahawks or your Steelers, please quit reading now. This isn't for you. This is for everyone else out there who is trying -- and trying -- to get excited about the NFL's showcase game. I sense less buzz about this Super Bowl than any I've attended. If any Roman-numeral game has ever deserved only one week of buildup, it was this one.

Super Bowl life ends at 40?

While Seahawks fans are sleepless in Seattle, media members are sleepy in Detroit. Somehow, the Seahawks and Steelers in Detroit seems like a consolation game. After three sensational weekends of playoffs, this is an anticlimax. Now we're paying the price for all those upsets.

How can these teams ever generate enough star power to live up to the telecast's Oscar-worthy commercials?

No Peyton or Brady or Vick or buzz.

No rivalry or bad blood or controversy or buzz.

Only zzz.

I understand that sex sells. Only the most partisan of believers will be convinced that this Superbowl has the lure of two Supermodels mudwrestling while wearing dental floss. But sexy is mutually exclusive of a good football game.

You like Michael Vick? Well, I'd rather have a quarterback who is capable of throwing for more than 130-yards a game.

Peyton? Sure, nothing like the drama of watching the perennial choker play in the biggest game of the year.

Brady? The guy has been money, but not being a Pats fan, I don't mind the change of scenery after three years.

The problem here is that, for the first time, the Super Bowl features two underdogs, two Cinderellas, two teams that came from nowhere on destiny-kissed rolls. One underdog can make for a can't-put-it-down script -- see some kid named Brady vs. Kurt Warner's "unstoppable" St. Louis Rams four years ago. But though this year's point spread is Pittsburgh by 4½, this feels like a game without a favorite.

The Steelers, the first sixth seed to make it to the Super Bowl, barely made the playoffs thanks to a fairly easy closing schedule. They beat Kyle Orton's Bears in a snowstorm in Pittsburgh, then took care of Minnesota, Cleveland and Detroit.

But would they have won their first playoff game, in Cincinnati, if Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer hadn't been hurt on his second play? Doubtful. Would they have finished off the season's most shocking upset, in Indianapolis, if Colts cornerback Nick Harper hadn't weaved back into a sprawling ankle tackle by Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger? No. Would the Steelers have been able to win in Foxborough if the Broncos hadn't upset the Patriots the week before in Denver? Highly doubtful. Would the Steelers have won in Denver if an early poor pass by Roethlisberger had been picked off in the flat by Champ Bailey and returned for a stadium-rocking touchdown? Probably not.

And now the AFC's sixth seed is favored over the NFC's top seed? This feels like a moderately interesting, Week 9 nonconference game.

Would the Seahawks have risen from 2-2 to home-field playoff advantage if Terrell Owens hadn't torn apart the Eagles? If Michael Vick hadn't regressed? If the Giants, Redskins and Cowboys hadn't been forced to do battle twice in the East and the Panthers, Bucs and Falcons hadn't beaten each other up in the South?

Things just kept breaking right for the Seahawks. Without bye weeks, the Redskins and Panthers were banged up before playoff games in Seattle -- where the Seahawks' 12th Man gives them the NFL's loudest and strongest home-field advantage.

Skip just provided us with more conditional statements in the preceding excerpt than javascripts running on ESPN.com. If his point is, "these teams were lucky" the answer is, "of course."

Last time I checked, luck, or in sports we call them "breaks," are a large part of the game. The dynastic 49ers or Cowboys teams of the past were incredibly talented, but they also closed out their incredible regular seasons by beating teams in the playoffs who were looking to take advantage of an off day.

Also, if you have watched the NFC this year, you would have witnessed pure mediocrity. There wasn't a single team that anyone could point to as one that could run away with a clear line to the Superbowl. Crap football abounded and the Seahawks managed to play just a little bit better than everyone else. Welcome to the salary-cap era...

...As much as I respect the Rooney family, I couldn't help chuckling the other day when Steelers owner Dan Rooney compared this team to the Terry Bradshaw team that won its first of four Super Bowls. Come on. That team had nine future Hall of Famers -- Bradshaw at that point being the least likely candidate.

Best case, this Steelers team has three candidates -- Bettis, Roethlisberger and Troy Polamalu.

Roethlisberger has the best chance of becoming this game's breakout Madison Avenue star. But as good as he is in his second season, it's laughable to hear angle-starved commentators already reaching to compare him with a young Marino or Elway. Calm down. Roethlisberger doesn't have Marino's trigger or Elway's mobility or either one's velocity. First let's see if Big Ben can beat the Seahawks.

I couldn't help chuckling when you tried to re-enforce your mediocrity argument by denigrating Roethlisberger in comparison to those making proper comparisons to the abilities of Dan Marino and John Elway. Dan Marino: zero Superbowl rings. John Elway: destroyed in his first three. He had to wait until the Montana, Aikman, Simms, retired before making his way into the win column. Elway gets my vote for perserverance, not for the greatness of Montana or Aikman who never lost.

Roethlisberger is playing in the Superbowl in just his 2nd year. If he walks away with a win, he'll have one more than Marino.

(Ancilary to the point, Eli Manning quarterbacks my favorite team and to this day I regret the fact the Giants took him over Big Ben in the draft. Thinking of the blown opportunity of having Ben passing to Burress, Shockey and Toomer with Tiki in the backfield creates a sorrow in me that would make Shakespear spill his guys. I have to move on now, I'm choking on some, uh, dust...)

...Whoops, another puncture in our Super Bowl balloon. The black-jerseyed, mud-and-blood Steelers often abandoned their running game early in their playoff road wins and opened up the offense and even resorted to trick plays. Though they're the Super Bowl home team, they've chosen to wear their white road jerseys. Now we don't even have a vaunted bully.

We have two very likable teams and coaches. We have Steelers coach Bill Cowher doing what a desperate, couldn't-win-the-big-one Mack Brown did at Texas -- backing off, loosening up, letting his young quarterback throw the ball. We have Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren, slipping off an early-season hot seat and now admitting he was beginning to doubt his ability.

...You can't wait for Sunday, can you.

Actually Skip, I can't. Regardless of what, I am a football fan and I love Superbowl Sunday, because regardless of how sexy the teams are that are playing in the game, I have an excuse to sit in a room with 40 other people who are interested share my interest in drinking too much, eating too much, laughing too much, and rolling each other in Crisco (San Francisoc tradition) while watching oversized human beings with supernatural athletic ability run full speed at each other in the effort to make the other guy vaporize (or just fall to the ground) under the pretension of moving a "ball" across a white line.

So if you don't mind, I am going to have a great Superbowl Sunday. Since you've attended 31 consecutive Superbowls, why don't you hand your tickets to someone who would actually enjoy themselves, thus freeing yourself to sit in front of a John Elway poster and a bottle of Vaseline in confines of your own home.

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This hyperbolic sports post was brought to you in part by TF6S public and corporate employer who is making him sit through sexual harrassment "training" instead of doing his job today. I'm glad they asked us to bring our laptops.

Posted by 10 fingers 6 strings at January 30, 2006 05:30 PM | TrackBack