The Path to Enlightenment - A Music Review
I'm sure if you knew the following bit of information that I'm about to tell you, you would not be wasting your time reading this ridiculous blog. Instead you'd be sitting in your lazyboy with a pair of headphones attached to your ears while listening to sonic pleasures delivered to you by none other than the Zen-man himself: Steven Segal.
If you slightly chuckled or scoffed at what I just wrote, it is because you have yet to become one with the triad of Brahma the creator, Vishnu the preserver, and Shiva the destroyer. If you seek a higher consciousness, I'll introduce you to the pathway of enlightenment.
Put Steven's Song from the Crystal Cave on your CD player and hit pause. Take his latest DVD release, Today You Die and fast-foward through the previews. Wait, nevermind, for some reason the production company was unable to find anything so enlightened and declined to put any previews beforehand for fears of comparison.
As soon as you see the first credit, hit Play on your CD-player.
At first, you might not "get it." That's ok, because your repressed subconscious has not been able to comprehend freedom. Girl Its Alright and Don't Cry were not written as songs lementing the loss and hurt of interpersonal relationships, they are whispers to Vishnu the Preserver that everything is ok. On the other hand, your eyes are absorbing Shiva the Destroyer as Steven beats the living %@#! out of people in a Pleather Jacket.
If you don't "get it" by track 7, Lolipop, when Steven is swinging from a chandolier and "talkin' jive" to his new "black" friend, then you really have no soul.
Here are some further reviews from Amazon:
Dear Mr. Seagal,
Tuesday, February 12th, was a pretty average day for me. I woke up, brushed my teeth, had my morning glass of mayonnaise, put on my beret, tossed my scarf over my shoulder, heaved a heavy sigh and ventured out into the cold. The suspension on my electric scooter sagged deeply, not unlike my longing heart. While the vanity bumper sticker that Mother had bought me proclaimed "A smile a day keeps the doctor away", I was a very, very lonely 42 year old man. I was morbidly obese and quite frankly, I didn't have the most pleasant odour about me. I was lucky if even that kid with the club foot that everyone chased after school would wave to me when I passed.
Doing the rounds of my paper route, I rode by my local music store. I heard Something about Lollipops emanating from the speaker. I heard the low and shrill sound and it immediately began soothing my jangled nerves. Little did I know that this little piece of plastic, with the wondroous words and lyrics of Steven Seagal burned onto it for all of eternity with a laser, was soon to change my life.
I immediately got out of my scooter, ran into the store, took a few minutes to try to catch my breath. Finally I was able to gasp out to the clerk: "That Cd. That voice of the angels. I need to have it now". I bought several copies in case I became hungry on the way home. I rushed home, changed into my athletic gear and utility belt and immediately began doing pushups. It was like I was a man possesed. I didn't know it at the time, but this CD harnessed the work ethic, the martial arts prowess and, above all, the stunning handsomness and fashion sense of Steven Seagal into one small package. All that I had to do was press play and I was transformed into the essence of Casey Ryback, ex-navy seal, counter-terrorist expert and environmental mercenary.
To the sounds of Mr.Seagal I was able to shed my weight and began taking daily showers. I now entertain several women per week, sometimes even several per day. I am making over $5000 a week stuffing envelopes from home. My life has become full of many smiles a day, and I look forward to each day with more anticipation than the last. I owe it all to the inspiring and electrifying work being done each and every day by Steven Seagal.
Thank you, Steven Seagal.
Your friend in arms,
Kevin Keast, Toronto, Ontario
One More:
I am a little perspect to read all the "joking" reviews here about the Steven Seagal band CD, "The Crystal Caves". I don't know what this "Gunnar Flint" guy is on about, but I heard no jew's harp on this and in addition this is an anti-semantic expression, tradition or no. I have enjoyed many of Mr. Segal's movies and also his appearances on Johnny Carson where he sang those fun little ditties, and I guess this is a development of that to its logical end, the BLUES! Also, you would have the blues too if you had the "Weird Science" dream lady Kelly LeBrock and then it didn't work out and she was gone, although maybe they're still together, I don't remember, in which case he shouldn't have the blues at all (unless she is no longer hot). Anyway, listen to this if you like slick blues recordings or enjoy Steven Seagal, and if you like both, you are in luck in spades. Enjoy!
Write your own reviews of what Steven's music has done for you in the comments or on your blog. Please be careful, as Steven has been known to Google the Internet in search of those brave enough to degrade him. Consider this your first and only warning, as Steven is far less merciful than I.
Posted by 10 fingers 6 strings at April 25, 2006 09:05 AM
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