Esquire Magazine posted a list of 59 things you are not supposed to do past the age of 30. Since I am only 29, I figured I should get some of these out of my system this year before I reach the age of which I refuse to mention...of course with the exception of the first sentence of this paragraph:
1. Coin his own nickname. (I hearby will be referred to by the name of "Doghouse Jenks" for the remainder of the year.)
2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on. (Does this include the order on my blogroll?)
4. Hacky sack. (My hobbies that include playing basketball, rock-climbing and slacklining are far more sophisticated than this juvenile pizzle.)
5. Name his penis his name plus junior. (Why would you name your genitalia "junior"? Might as well start referring to yourself as "tiny"?)
6. Hang art with tape.
7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.
8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?" (This includes asking him the same question referencing his gun.)
9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?" (Um, this actually works before you are thirty?)
10. Skip. (I live in San Francisco, so I'm having a hard time with the rationale behind this oppression.)
11. Take a camera to a nude beach. (However, going to South Beach and photographing women with dental floss "covering" their cracks is perfectly fine.)
12. Let his father do his taxes.
13. Tap on the glass. (I'm too busy tappin' that "stuff" to tap the glass.)
14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?" (If I can't do this, I might as well be a communist.)
15. Use the word collated on his resume.
16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters. (Why do I get a feeling that if someone has done this, they are also going to have a hard time not breaking rules 15 and 16 too?)
18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos. (Unless of course you're actually in a gang. Do you think I call myself Doghouse because I think it sounds cute to the ladies?)
19. Give shout-outs.
20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit. (Why on God's green earth would you ever refer to Detroit in any context?)
21. Hug amusement-park characters. (My relationship with Goofy is strictly confidential, will remain so, and I continue to refute and deny the claims that I am effin' Goofy.)
22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.
23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."
24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."
25. Request extra sprinkles.
26. Air drum. (Unless of course, you are doing an impersonation of Def Leppard's one-armed drummer, Rick Allen. 18-years later it is guaranteed to produce shocks and horrified looks.)
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.
29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant. (What if the magician is a clown? If the editors of Equire were thinking these scenarios out a little more thoroughly we might not be put into these kinds of uncomfortable situations.)
30. Sleep on a bare mattress.
31. End a conversation with "later skater."
32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.
33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?" (My preferred communication style is non-verbal. Nuggies and wedgies are far cooler and appreciated.)
34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo. (Lump this in with the Frodo and Sam dog owner.)
35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.
36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.
37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.
38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."
39. Whine. (Someone forward this to Howard Dean to post on the DNC website.)
40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."
41. Purchase fireworks. (Fireworks are illegal in the State of California and I would never dream of breaking the law in anyway.)
42. Google the word vagina.
43. Ride a pony.
44. Sport an ironic mustache.
45. Hit 13 against a 6.
46. Organize a party bus. (Does my 30th birthday count?)
47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash. (If you are a real man, you'd shoot for three. Lay-ups into the garbage can are simply "gay".)
48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.
49. Keg stands.
50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.
51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction. (Otherwise known as DWW--Dancing while white.)
52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank. (Unless of course you are filling up the lawn mower.)
53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.
54. Read The Fountainhead. (If you haven't read this by 30, then its even money on the odds of you having Michael Moore, Zinn, Pinter, Chomsky on your bookshelf.)
55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.
56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins." (Again, if you are the Frodo dog owner, this won't be a problem for you.)
57. Own a vanity plate.
58. Whippits.
59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."
Pass the meme on....
